You can smell the ballots being printed in Iowa already. The Republican primaries are heating up, and the first ballots will finally be cast on January 3. Many of you are probably shaking your heads, regretfully looking ahead to a long, drawn out campaign that effectively comes down to “Who is the least evil?” But fear not! During the last debate, my friends and I invented a game to help prevent the collapse of your faith in humanity from sinking in. It’s called The Republican Primary Drinking Game (okay, so the title is still a work in progress).
We did this during one of their debates, but I suppose you could do this any time one of them is talking publicly. Warning: You’re going to need a lot of alcohol.
You take a drink whenever:
“I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democratic president, Jimmy Carter. I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.” — Michele Bachmann on the origins of swine flu
1. Says something that is absolultely bat-shit crazy. If there is dispute over whether or not a statement is sufficiently insane, you need a new group of friends.
2. Says something that is undeniably false. Overlap with Rule No. 1 is acceptable.
3. Responds to a policy question with a personal anecdote that is only ever so slightly related to the original topic. If someone interrupts to ask where this is going and she insists she has a point, you take another drink. If a legitimate point is made, you have to shotgun a beer.
“Corporations are people, my friend.” — Mitt Romney arguing with a heckler at one of his rallies
1. Reminds you of the antichrist
2. Calls someone “my friend” when he’s actually arguing with them
3. Takes two completely contradictory stances within the same debate
Bonus: If the light reflection off of his hair gel blinds someone in the audience, you take two drinks.
“Gingrich — Primary mission, Advocate of civilization, Definer of civilization, Teacher of the rules of civilization, Leader of the civilizing forces.” — Newt Gingrich describing himself
1. Winks at someone, but you can’t tell who.
1. Reminds the audience that he’s a historian
2. Uses the term “Islamo-fascist”
3. Winks at someone, but you can’t tell who
Bonus: You take two drinks if it turns out the wink recipient is someone he’s sleeping with.
“I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a Christian. But you don’t have to be in the pew every Sunday to know there’s something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military… but our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school.” — Rick Perry on Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and prayer in school
1. Completely forgets a critical point of an argument part-way through delivering it
2. Gives you déjà vu and you think you’re actually watching George W. Bush in 2000
3. Claims that a major policy question would be solved if “we just prayed a little bit harder”
“It is no coincidence that the century of total war coincided with the century of central banking.” — Ron Paul on the evils of central banks
1. Mentions the Constitution
2. Comes off as that crotchty old man nobody wants to tell shouldn’t be driving anymore, but everyone knows he’s a serious danger to everyone around him
3. Takes a widely popular position… from the 19th century
1. Someone asks, “Who the hell is Jon Huntsman?”
2. Someone sees Rick Santorum and says, “That guy’s still in the race?”
3. A candidate likens themselves to Ronald Reagan. Drink again if the candidates start fighting over who is the most like Reagan
4. A candidate implies that Barack Obama is a socialist. Drink again if they call him a fascist in the same sentence.
Special Bonus: If one of your friends fall down more than once from drinking too much, yet continues to yell belligerently that they’re fine or still in the game, they are the Herman Cain of the match. They must then take 9 drinks, walk 9 feet in a straight line and name 9 presidents. If they can do this, they are the President and win the game. If not, then they must pay for all the alcohol consumed in the game.
Needless to say, things can get ugly pretty quickly. And you’re in luck. There are 10 debates slated for next semester. Happy Holidays!