Bar Affair by Cameron Russell
It’s the weekend, we can finally go to the bars! Just kidding, it has been the weekend for awhile. At IU, our weekend started on Monday and will end on Sunday. With a course load chock full of winners such as History of Sex, Ice Skating, Indiana Folklore, and Wizardry in the Modern World, it’s hard to resist the bar specials that run every night of the week. Nothing says “I’m getting the full value of my education” like poisoning your liver with dollar wells on a Monday night, or proving your endurance by participating in open to close to achieve the highest honors in Bloomington: your face on the wall of the local bar.
When it comes to the bar scene, our campus is fairly unique in that you actually have to be twenty-one to get into a bar. The ID that your cousin’s boyfriend’s brother-in-law made you claiming an identity from that state that nobody is from is not going to get you anywhere but the curb waiting for a ride when the bouncer tosses you. Thus, the anniversary of a college student’s twenty-one years as a human is pretty big deal. It marks the transition from apartment parties overflowing with mystery jungle juice and fraternity dance floor make out sessions, to attempts at looking sophisticated ordering drinks that aren’t served in cups that disintegrate while wearing a blazer. The world of the bars is a different social scene. For those making the transition, or those who just haven’t caught on yet, here are a just a couple rules of bar etiquette from yours truly. None of the don’ts have been committed by me, obviously.
DO dress appropriately. On a normal night at a college bar, the goal is to look more like a trendy twenty something and less like a call girl for CEOs. Coats are fine if there is a check, but leave your sweatshirts and those Northfaces that look like someone killed ten rabbits and glued them to a zip up at home. This is not a bonfire or a football game. If you wear jeans and tennis shoes, you’re dead to me.
DON’T abuse men’s wallets, suck face on the dance floor, drink multiple (insert strongest drink at bar here), participate in borderline sexual activities disguised as dance moves, or turn on your alter B Spears ego on. Actually, the last one is a DO sometimes. Commit these bar sins, and you’ve earned the title of that girl. Perhaps fine from time to time, but make any combination of these mishaps a regular habit and you just might find yourself waking up cuddling a trash can with your shirt missing, wondering who “Bryan KSig” is, and when you lost all dignity as you scrounge through that mysterious pizza box on the floor…
DO bring cash only. Five rounds of snakebites bought for the entire baseball team on your mother’s Visa is more than a little hard to explain. You are not a celebrity, and you need that money for important things like Diet Coke. Cash means once you run out, you’re done. Hopefully, you’ve got a pick up line and that carefully crafted smoky eye hasn’t faded, earning you a few more drinks.
That’s all the Bar Basics 101 for now. Cheers, everyone! Comment with some of your own do’s and don’ts if you’re a self-proclaimed bar expert.
PS- the aforementioned courses are actually real at IU. Yes, you should be wondering why you don’t go here.