Flickr Creative Commons // Fisker Auto
After I made the egregious mistake of crawling out underneath my rock, I learned that teen pop sensation Justin Bieber was recently gifted a 2012 Fisker Karma, a luxury electric vehicle worth approximately $100,000, for his eighteenth birthday earlier this month. Scott “Scooter” Braun, his manager, surprised him with the extravagant gift from him and his mentor/popular R&B star, Usher, on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
I could take cheap shots at this absurd publicity stunt with cracks about how the “Biebs” upgraded from his Hot Wheels and Tonka trucks or how he should turn the model in for one that runs on the tears of his 3-year-old fans, but never mind all that. I really am not so bitter that I get off on criticizing the lifestyles of teenage celebrities; and besides — Haterade has no nutritional value. Instead, I decided to passive-aggressively put Bieber on blast with this article in which I list nine things he should do with $100,000 (or less) in exchange for the luxury sports car on his birthday. (Okay, maybe I am just a wee bit bitter.)
1. Buy a Jetpack. JetLav — a company based in Dania Beach, Florida — will start to sell the water-powered JetLev R200 jetpack, which retails for $99,500, this spring. With the extra $500, Bieber could probably fuel it enough to fly around for about three seconds.
2. Buy a Luxury Electric Motorcycle. Cosmic Motors’ Daniel Simon designed vehicles for films such as Tron: Legacy and Captain America: The First Avenger and, recently, the world’s most expensive electric motorcycle — otherwise known as “The Detonator”. Nothing says “bourgeoisie rebellious teenager” more than an eco-friendly motorcycle.
3. Buy a Luxury Shaving Razor. Zafirro — a subsidiary company of Bright Light Ventures and based in Portland, Oregon — released a limited-edition series of shaving razors that are made of iridium (a durable and rare metal), sapphire and stainless steel. Surely, what better way is there to commemorate the adulthood of a young male celebrity than a $100,000 razor?
4. Donate to Charity. As the end of this year’s tax season draws near, it is important to know that certain charitable contributions could be tax deductible and, therefore, lower one’s tax bill. With a current net worth of $105 million, Bieber might need a few pragmatic tips on his finances sooner rather than later.
5. Get More Tattoos — and Remove Them. The price range of tattoos varies depending on the size and location of the tattoo and how much the tattoo artist charges for the services, and at the age of 18-years-old, any U.S. state will allow Bieber to get inked without the consent of a parent/legal guardian. Bieber has three tattoos already; and if he should spend more money on body art, he could also afford to remove them.
6. Go to a Strip Club with a Stack of $100,000 in Dollar Bills and Convince the Strippers to Dance to His Music. Need I say more?
7. Go to School — or Pay for My Student Loans. As a recent college graduate from the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, Michigan — the most expensive U.S. public university for out-of-state students as reported by U.S. News & World Report in 2012 — I learned that a quality educational experience does not come cheap for my non-Michigander colleagues. As a corn-fed, in-state student myself, I ended up with a little less than exactly $100,000 on education loans. At the rate of owing $1,000 per month, I could pay back everything in a decade — or Bieber could just pay it back for me in exchange for the promise that I will “never say never”.
8. Marry (and Divorce) Selena Gomez. While some U.S. states allow marriage before 18-years-old with a parent/legal guardian signature, Bieber would be allowed to affiance and marry Gomez anywhere in the country at this age. The marriage license and fees vary depending on the city/state, but with $99,000+ to spare, he could spend the rest to file for divorce, if he should change his mind.
9. Pay for His Haircut. In 2011, an article on CNN reported that it cost $100,000 for a toy manufacturing company to change the design of a popular doll inspired by Bieber, because he cut his hair; and according to the analysis of prepubescent girls’ tears and the translation of their screams heard around the world, the loss of his signature shaggy locks was the first of a series of major natural disasters that evidence the apocalyptic end of the world as we know it, and we are doomed.