Around 11:15am, NPR correspondent Mark Memmot reported an escalation in the manhunt for a 21-year-old by the name of Oscar Ramiro Ortega in the D.C. area. Authorities suspect Ortega to be responsible for shots fired around 9:30pm at the White House. Bullets were found on the grounds outside the building, but nothing was able to penetrate the glass. Authorities say that the suspect also has ties to Idaho.
Guys. Be afraid. Stoner Terminator is here, and straight up means business. We need to all hit the deck, because it’s hot in these streets right now. Oh don’t believe me? Ask that window in the White House that just felt the pain. You know what that window’s gonna do? It’s gonna get replaced, and when it’s replaced, there will straight up be another perfectly fine window, that will get merk’d again! Ortega doesn’t play by your rules, Ortega shoots out your rules’ window. People, I want you to look into the face of public enemy No. 1.
Do you not see what this man is wearing? Double-hoodie flow man, do you not understand? You’ll never catch this guy, he’s doubly warm — you can’t catch this guy in the wintertime! Are you nuts? He’s movin’ in and out with the wind, taking out windows with two shots. Not only is his body protected by the prophesied double warmth of a pullover sweatshirt and zip-up, but his face is ready for the apocalypse. That beard will stop bullets, forgetmace. Oh, and did I mention his tattoos? He might as well be invisible!
Do you know how many people have the word “Israel” tattooed on their neck? So many, bro, I can’t even think of all them because they’re seriously like thousands upon thousands — racks on racks. Also, according to Park Police, Ortega has another tattoo of his last name on his back. Again, no way you’ll find this guy. He’s gone! He is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s stoner incarnate. John Connor will not survive the night, and we all have ourselves to blame.
Or maybe, we should just check the local 7-Elevens and Red Hot Chili Peppers cover bands.
Update: Authorities claim to have found and apprehended Ortega, the Assassin of the Future, near Indiana, Pennsylvania. Reports say Ortega was found in a hotel. Tonight, we sleep safe.