Leslie Britton / Uncategorized

Cheap Shots No. 8: So You Want to Run for President? (Leslie Britton)

If you’ve ever dreamed of running for president, I hope you have your crazy pants ready. With the riveting South Carolina primary quickly approaching, and another wackjob legitimate candidate out of the race, it is quite necessary to take a break from the patriotic rhetoric and take a look at the lengthy qualifications and hard line stances the remaining GOP candidates hold. This year, more than ever, making claims that some might call clinically insane seems to be the most important qualification to run one of the most powerful nations in the world. Nevermind that the supporter signs of the genius Michelle Bachmann have been stripped from the yards of some of my Hoosier neighbors, or that I recently had to assure to my horrified Swiss host family that Herman Cain would not be president as he found himself hard pressed to decide where or what Libya is, there are still some great other great minds eager to compete with Mr. Obama. Yes, rest assured, one of these men might soon be in charge of three hundred million people. Here is a summary of some of their best and brightest characteristics and ideas.

Rick Perry.

A man in favor of corpse defilation and religious based teachings in public school; he once referred to himself as a prophet, and appears to be unsure of the voting age. He may tout his lower than average college grades, but that’s OK. Who likes overachievers anyway?

Newt Gingrich.

He is an orphanage lover who thinks a giant game of laser tag could help destroy nuclear missiles, but hey, it is comforting to know he stands between us and Auschwitz!

Rick Santorum.

He may deny the existence of the Palestinian population (yes, him too), disapprove of the use of contraceptionand make comparisons of the gay population to terrorists among other things, but at least he cleared up the fact that Social Security is flawed because the abortion rate is ridiculously high!

So, if these competent fellows don’t get you excited for the election, and the general future of the developed world, what will? It’s a bright future ahead of us, America!

Note: Yes, Rick Perry has left the race since publishing time. However, his craziness is still worth noting.


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